Every day I wake up wanting to be more than I was the day before. Every morning as I get to stare at the mirror I wonder how I made it thus far and question the journey ahead, "How long? How far?"
How long til the journey gives way to its destination? How long til these memories bear no further condemnation?
How far away is the place of contentment where I can be all that I was made to be? They say the hope is for a light at the end of the tunnel, but tunnel-vision is itself the reason I ended up losing sight of what's ahead.
Every night I question my daily motives and stare at the blank pages of my journal as I try to decipher the inner workings of my mind. Every night, as I reluctantly make my way to bed bearing the weight of my lack of glory I question my sanity and why my promises so easily flow like sand through the cracks from my hands.
Every day is a struggle of it's own. A metaphorical encounter with the sword that divides between the mind and the soul. No stone is left unmoved. No intent unexposed. Nothing can be hid from view when the truth-seeking eyes of The Divine Enquirer fix their gaze upon me.
Justice. Recompense. Merit. These are good, but I could use some of their opposite. Because justice will incarcerate me. Recompense will demand that I be slain. And there's no merit at all left in me through which I could be saved.
Every day, however, I must also be reminded of the mystery of Christ's redeeming grace. The one that questions where my accusers have gone and bids me go and sin no more. For if only I accepted His invitation. If only I to Him surrendered my inclinations. If only I truly believed His affirmation, then would I have known Him and learned to live through the power of His life and glorious resurrection.
Every day is a testament to Christ's words:
Those who save their lives will surely lose it.
But those who lose it for God's sake will have just saved themselves from ever again losing it.
Now I lift up my head and fix my eyes up high.
May the new day draw near. I now know that I have no need to fear...